


recuperacabana

by lionsenpai



Category: Drag-On Dragoon | Drakengard
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:01:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionsenpai/pseuds/lionsenpai
Summary: "Fuck armistice?""Fuck armistice."(set during the gap year)
Relationships: Five/Zero (Drag-On Dragoon)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 33





	recuperacabana

**Author's Note:**

  * For [indefensibleselfindulgence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/indefensibleselfindulgence/gifts).



> here's my work for the drakenier holiday exchange for indefensibleselfindulgence! i was really excited when i got you as my giftee since i'd just gone through the entirety of your d3 fics. i saw you'd dropped some kudos on another sex-comedy fic im writing, so i hope you enjoy more of the same here! happy new year! :)

There’s a knock. Why the _fuck_ is there a knock?

As if the little cabin at the fringes of the Land of Seas isn’t stupidly out of the way of anything worth seeing, it’s also perfectly clear the place is cursed to shit. There are half-eaten carcasses of every variety left all up and down the path because damn, a baby dragon can _eat,_ and what the fuck else is Zero supposed to do with the mess? And that isn’t even accounting for the horrid little banshee shrieks Mikhail makes when Zero leaves him alone for too long and he finds something shiny.

So really, what the fuck? Self-preservation broke or does someone have a death wish? Zero seriously does not have the patience for _death wish_ today. 

Rolling off the bed, yanking her hand from her shorts, and wiping her sticky fingers on the ratty sheets, Zero waddles to the door and yanks it open. Standing outside, halfway through getting ready to knock again, is Five. 

“Oh Zero,” she coos. “It is _so_ good to see—stop screaming.”

Zero does not stop screaming. Zero goes for her sword instead, except—fuck her, she goes for it with the arm she doesn’t have anymore, and in that time, Five—

Opens her fucking mouth again. Zero would have preferred gratuitous violence. 

“Really, what kind of reception is that for someone who came all this way for your benefit? It was such a hassle to track you down, Zero. Not to mention your little guard dog—”

A switch flips. Zero does grab her sword this time, unwieldy in her right hand, and bursts through the threshold to cut past Five. Wildly enough, Five lets her.

“Dummy!” Zero calls, frantically scanning the sky. “Hey!”

There’s a rustle in the foliage on the cliffs above the cabin, and Mikhail’s head pops out of the brush with a wide-eyed interest. There’s dirt and blood all over his snout, and the furry tatters of a woodland creature hang from his jaws. “Zero? Hey, did you call me? Did you call me, Zero?”

Relief washes over her and disappears like the tides. “What the hell! What did I tell you about strangers!”

“Strangers?”

Mikhail crawls out over the ledge, clinging to the sheer rock like a bear-sized insect. This is the opposite of what she wants him to do with Five right there. Zero shoves her inside the house and levels her sword at her to keep her there, as if it will prevent her from seeing how pathetic he is and trigger some dragon-killing Intoner instinct in her. 

“You let someone get all the way up to the house and didn’t even fucking yell like I told you to!”

“Huh? Oh! I remember! There was a nice lady who was coming to help you, Zero. She said she was going to help you!”

“Help me?” Zero snaps. “Why the hell would you believe that?”

“Well… I don’t know. She looked nice.” Mikhail climbs a little farther down the cliffside, but he is curling his neck away and avoiding her gaze in the way he does when he’s embarrassed. “She said she was a nurse, and she was going to help you. Why would she lie?”

“A nu—”

Zero whips around. It’s the first time she’s looked at Five with any scrutiny—frankly, she tries not to perceive her much at all—and sweet hell, she is dressed in frilly pinks and whites instead of armor. It’s low-cut both ways, with some outrageous neckline tailored into the collar and an abysmal lack of coverage for her ass. She’s wearing an _apron._ There’s a little medical cap sitting neat and useless on her empty head, a red cross emblazoned on it, and—

Horror etches itself onto Zero’s face second by second at having to see this walking trauma-show, but the real kicker—the real nail in the coffin—is when Five reaches into her shitty medical bag, retrieves a stethoscope, and purrs, “Want me to take your temperature?”

 _Temperature_ comes out impossibly salacious enough that for a moment, Zero is too overcome by shivers of revulsion to recall what the fuck a stethoscope is used for.

Suppressing a hot wad of bile at the back of her throat, Zero jabs with her sword, but Five simply sways back out of the way. Goddamn, but she is so _slow_ since One’s daemon went at her like a group of overzealous toddlers at a piñata. 

“Stab first, ask questions never?” Five asks indulgently.

“Works pretty good for me usually.”

Above them, Mikhail is saying something, and it sounds very similar to his favorite sidebar, which happen to be on the secret goodness in people, and the importance of helping each other, and other pointless shit like that. Zero tunes it out brilliantly. 

“You’re getting so predictable, Zero.” Five glides her fingertips over the blunt edge of Zero’s blade. Zero flicks the end, but she’s got no finesse in this hand, and Five keeps all her grubby little digits. Undeterred, Five says, “Ask me why I don’t have an army with me. Come on. I know you simply must be wondering.”

“Nah,” says Zero, which makes Five roll her eyes and feels pretty good all-around.

“All that business at Cathedral City was so _messy,”_ Five complains to her anyway, like messy doesn’t mean the loss of Zero’s only friend and her favorite arm. “I told One, you know, that all of that was just so dramatic. We should have handled it like adults, but you just _know_ how she can be—”

“—goddamn albino ass looking motherfucker—”

“—that feels a bit hypocritical, considering—”

“—no titty, shrimp dick having ass bitch—”

“—focus, Zero—”

“—fuck off and then choke, _Five_ —”

Five clears her throat poignantly. “So! What I’m hearing is: we’re both in agreement that our fair leader was too heavy-handed with her judgement… Even if she was fully within her rights, since you haven’t come to the last three holiday get-togethers, despite the invites." Zero flips her the bird. “But really, leaving you like this is just cruel.”

“The fuck you say?”

With discomforting significance, Five replies, “Well. You _were_ left-handed, weren’t you?”

Zero stares. 

Above them, Mikhail has gotten to the part of his speech where he compares people to meat and then gets all _ethical_ about it because he doesn’t mean it like that, really, but sometimes you know, you think a bit of meat isn’t good anymore because it’s a little rotten, but then you bite into it and it’s so tasty, _sooo_ tasty Zero, and that’s all he means, promise, and he’s never dreamt of eating people, promise—

“Come on, Zero,” insists Five, down below. “How many visitors are you getting out here? I doubt there’s been a single one since your little cry for attention—” 

“It’s called attempted murder, Five, and I’m not done attempting.” 

Five ignores her. “—And all by yourself? Oh, you _must_ suffer.” 

Gurgling with frustration, Zero snaps, “Just get to the goddamn point already!”

“The point, Zero,” Five says, sugar-sick, just the way Zero hates. “Is that you’re a lonely Intoner with no Disciple of your own and your jerking arm got blown off a full month ago.” A pause. “If you weren’t insane before, you simply must be by now.”

“Oh my god.”

“I know, right? That’s what I said when I heard—”

“Oh my _god,”_ Zero says again, aghast. “Is this a fucking _booty call?”_

Five gasps. “Good heavens, no!”

With no small amount of relief, Zero deflates. She’s nearly grateful that she can leave the twist of heat in her gut unexamined because, miracle of miracles, Five has confidently checked the box for _Nemesister_ and not _Evil, Slutty Clone-Fucker._ As thanks, Zero doesn’t try to stab her again, at least for five seconds. 

In this time, Five tugs her apron and hefts her tote with the big, red cross on it a little higher and says, “This is an emergency intervention to make sure you don’t end up like dear, sweet Four.”

Zero stabs her again. Instead of her chest, Five catches the blade in her little medical bag, which spills every manner of toy and lube across the ground. Zero loses one second in grimacing at the sight of seven dildos flopping across her floorboards, and then she commits to mincing Five into confetti. 

They dart back into the house, and there’s simply nowhere to go. The first swing takes out the pile of garbage on one of her shitty little tables, and the second nearly catches in the shoddy, wooden pillar at the center of the room. Five deftly avoids each, making simpering little noises of surprise each time Zero cuts. 

“Zero!” A month ago, Zero would have cut her to ribbons if it hadn’t been for a midget and her overpowered daemon. Now Five dances around her sword with impunity. “I’m a noncombatant on a humanitarian mission! This is almost certainly a war-crime!”

“I’ll show you a war-crime!” Two more wild slashes, two more pathetic misses. “Hold still so I can stab you in your stupid noncombatant face, Five!”

“Stab me? With that long, _hard_ —oof!”

Five stumbles. Five stumbles on a _dildo._

It’s the first time Zero has ever gotten to experience karmic retribution from this angle, and in a rush of homicidal glee, she goes for the kill.

Sinuous as a snake, Five twists mid-air, and the thrust that should have speared her through slips right by her ribs. White hot pain flashes up through Zero’s wrist as Five seizes it and yanks, and the dragonbone blade pierces the mattress uselessly moments before the two Intoners go tumbling down beside it. There is a scuffle, a frantic scramble, and—god—an undue amount of friction exchanged. 

It peters out fast because Zero has one hand, and she’ll be damned if she takes it off the sword. Five has the same idea. Unfortunately, that doesn’t give her a lot of options. 

The plus side is: at least she ended up on top.

The downside is: she’s on top of Five, which means that any second now—

With a sound like a moose in heat, Five arches under her and calls her name as pornographically as physically possible. 

Yeah. That.

“Five,” Zero warns lowly.

“Zero?” Five hums pleasantly.

“I’m gonna slit your throat and drink the blood and wear your trachea like a fucking belt if you don’t get your grubby little hands off my goddamn sword right now—”

“Oh. No thanks.”

“Right _fucking_ now—”

Five clears her throat neatly. “I already said no, Zero dear. Respect my wishes, won’t you?”

Making a sound in the back of her throat, Zero assesses momentarily and then grunts, "Oh, so when _you_ say not interested, you expect me to stop stabbing you, but when _I_ say not interested—"

"You haven't said not interested.” On her back, she looks almost placid, almost comfortable. Curls of gold wrap her shoulders and tickle Zero’s knees on the mattress. There is a languid, knowing twist to her mouth, which Zero instinctively despises if only to spite her frankly undeserved thirst. “Come now, if I took all your threats seriously, I’d have no choice but to think you hated me!” (“—I do hate you. I fucking hate you. Stop flapping your gums and listen to me, you fat-tiddy bitch—”) “And that would just be tragic, to be spurned by my very favorite person in the entire world. And besides,” she adds as an afterthought, and cheerfully so. “We both know that _I’ll slit your throat and drink the blood_ is practically foreplay for you.”

Zero wants to bash her head against a wall. Which her? Yeah. 

“Aw, but it does make me terribly nostalgic for the old days... Remember when you used to run around, trying to kill us? Remember when One would trick you into falling down deep holes or running into a monster’s lair, and then we’d escape? Oh, those were such good—”

“You’re literally just here for a shag,” Zero cuts in. 

“Well,” Five says thoughtfully. “A single shag seems a little limiting.”

“You didn’t tell One where I am? Your Disciple isn’t out there right now hunting my dragon for sport?”

Sedately, Five blinks up at her. On anyone else it might look innocent. “It’s really not that deep, Zero. You’re an Intoner. I’m an Intoner. Certainly we have at least _one_ thing we can agree on, don’t we?”

While Zero contemplates this, she discreetly tries to wrench her sword out of the mattress and stab Five in the throat. Either Five is lucky or she’s starting to cotton onto Zero’s methods, because she keeps a tight hold of the hilt. Between them, the sword wiggles and cuts a larger hole into Zero’s mattress but does not dislodge. 

This goes on for several long moments before Five rolls her eyes and prompts: “You really haven’t thought of it?” 

Along Zero’s inner thigh, Five is tracing tortuous lines up with her other hand. It is really _so_ unfair that she has two hands here.

Zero stops trying with the sword, which feels like a mistake, and considers in earnest, which feels like a _huge_ mistake.

Below her, Five hums. “Careful, I can see the smoke coming out of your ears.”

Zero says, in her own defense, “I’m not some sex-crazed fuck-monster like you, bitch.”

Five rolls her hips up, and the shock of pressure between her thighs catches Zero like a horny noose around her neck. She stutters—thoughts, words, body—exactly like a sex-crazed fuck-monster. Well, son of a bitch.

With considerably less of a defense to draw upon, Zero says, “Fuck you, first of all.”

“Glad to see you’re keeping up with the topic at hand.”

“Second of all, shut your hell mouth.”

Cocking a brow, Five shuts her hell mouth and waits. She’s not idle, never idle, but the most she does is continue to shake hands with whatever bits of Zero’s anatomy she can. In the little cabin—which still smells like sex—on the little bed—which also still smells like sex with a side order of disappointing—Zero feels the moisture in the air like a wet rag over her entire body. It creeps under her dress and pricks sweat to the skin over her spine. 

Not for the first time, and not happily, Zero takes stock of how wet she is and how disappointing her prospects are for a satisfying wank without her—god—without her jerking arm.

Finally, she says, “You don’t have some kind of potent curse on your tits that’s going to make the next person who sucks them shrivel up like an old man’s cock?”

Pure glee blossoms on Five’s face. “Oh my god, is that what you’ve been thinking about this whole time? Well, why didn’t you say so? You know you’re _always_ welcome to—”

“—okay—”

 _“_ — _okay?_ Oh Zero, I just knew you’d see reason. I have just what you need! Let me just get my things—”

“—don’t get it twisted. You’re maybe probably less awful than nothing, which is the only reason—”

“—are you saying slutty, slutty beggars can’t be slutty, slutty choosers?”

Zero promises emphatically, “I am absolutely killing you afterwards, and no one is going to miss you,” and then removes herself from Five’s lap. There is a noise of unhappiness at this which she staunchly ignores, and waddling her ass back to the door, she pokes her head out.

Mikhail is on the cliff-face still, and he’s spiraling down pathways that Zero usually doesn’t let him reach. Right now, he is saying something along the lines of what it even means to be human, and could he be human too, you think? He’s smart! (Incorrect.) He’s sapient! (Barely.) He thinks a lot about what he should be, which seems like something maybe a human would do? (Unfortunately.) 

Regardless, he hasn’t seemed to notice that Zero has been absent for some time.

“Hey, dummy!” He perks. “Scram!”

“Aww, Zero! Do I have to?”

Degenerate or not, even _she_ isn’t prepared to inflict accidentally seeing or hearing whatever horrendous shit is about to go down on an infant like him. She says, “I said beat it! Don’t come back unless you’re starving or something!”

When Zero slams the door and turns around, satisfied that that will do it, Five is nearly right where she left her. Notable changes: somehow that neckline has gotten even more precipitous, wow, and Five is now sitting so she can jut her chest out like some sort of bear trap for the eyes. 

Also she’s holding Zero’s sword.

Excuse me, why the _fuck_ is she holding Zero’s sword.

“So,” Five says, examining the blade in the light. There are bits of mattress clinging to the killing edge of it. “Where were we?”

God fucking _damn it._

“Oh yes!” Five raises the sword above her head and chucks it as hard as she can. It goes spinning through the air, sinking deep into the wall on the other side of the house with an audible _thwang._ “What say you, Zero? Fuck armistice?”

Zero blinks. Bitch wasn’t lying when she said she was just here for a shag.

What Zero says, after crossing the room and sinking back into Five’s lap, is: “Fuck armistice.” And then, before Five can get any ideas: “You have twenty-four hours, and if you even think about spending the night I will gut you and see how horny you are after I string up your nasty insides like decorations.”

Five wraps her arms around her waist and growls—actually growls, wow; _disgusting_ firstly, and secondly, frankly embarrassing that Zero’s libido isn’t rotting in the ground because of it. “Oh Zero, you always know how to treat a lady.”

“Skanks don’t count as ladies, idiot.”

“Didn’t you hear? I’m the sovereign of this land now, and under my fair and magnanimous rule, even skanks have rights.” Five is sounding really fucking proud of herself, which is impressive, considering how loudly Zero is gagging atop her. “All it takes is a bit of legislature.”

“More like legi _slut_ ure—for fuck’s sake, I’m insulting you! I’m insulting you! Stop looking at me with goo-goo eyes.”

Undeterred, Five cups Zero’s jaw and swipes her thumb beneath the eye that’s been giving her trouble recently. “But you’re just so _sexy_ when you’re insulting me, Zero.”

“How am I the only one that wants you dead,” Zero wonders aloud, jerking her head away. “Let’s just get this over with before I change my mind about you being better than nothing.”

“So eager,” Five murmurs. “Ready for your medicine?”

“Oh, screw this— _shit.”_

Five cups Zero through her shorts, and that’s all it takes to shut her up. It’s barely a hello for a bitch like Five, but it blanks all thoughts and has her closing her eyes. Zero rolls her hips down against it, and Five shifts a little higher, rubbing circles against her, and fuck— _fuck._

It should be embarrassing that all it takes to pin her tongue to the roof of her mouth is a grope against the seam of her shorts. It should be embarrassing that all it takes to get her panting and shivering is a little attention for her aching clit. It should be embarrassing that in a matter of moments, Zero’s clutching at the front of Five’s frilly apron with all her strength.

But Zero checked all her sense and shame at the door the instant she let Five into her home without a sword in her gut, so like, fuck it, maybe she _is_ just a little desperate.

Five’s other hand skims up from the small of Zero’s back to paw beneath her dress. God, it has been so long since Zero’s experienced the simple joys of having her tits _and_ her clit played with. 

With a clipped moan, Zero tips her head forward and accidentally bonks frontal bone to frontal bone. Curls of blonde hair are wispy and soft against her forehead, and Five tilts her head back. Their mouths are precariously close.

“Are you close already?” Five whispers, and presses her mouth to Zero’s jaw briefly. “Oh Zero, that’s adorable.”

Ignoring her, Zero shudders bodily as Five works her over.

“Should I kiss you slowly and call you beautiful when you come?” A beat of laughter, hot against her lips. “I’ve always imagined you were a darling romantic at heart.”

“Eat shit and die,” Zero retorts, romantically.

 _Kill Five_ as a concept undergoes a massive renaissance in the centers of Zero’s brain not frantically committed to getting off, but before it can gain traction, Five slips into Zero’s shorts. Her fingers sink into soaking curls instead, and their fuck armistice just barely survives its first brush with death.

Five tuts and murmurs, “I suppose that was pretty silly of me, wasn’t—”

Zero kisses her. It does the job, even if Five’s opening gambit is all tongue, and so for the few crucial moments Zero needs, there’s nothing but the sound of this impromptu tonsil inspection and the overwhelming rush of sweet release as Five—

With a curse and a jerk, Zero comes.

It’s fast and hot, rolling over her like a thunderstorm, but the sensation of utter relief lasts about as long as Zero did. When she opens her eyes, panting, it’s to see Five looking at her with a ravenous hunger. Desire spikes through her again, clear and precise.

Withdrawing her fingers and dipping to press a kiss to Zero’s carotid, Five asks, “So how long _has_ it been?”

“Bite me,” Zero huffs, and then, “Don’t—”

Five bites her. Fucking hell, but that was low-hanging fruit, even for her.

Zero hisses and pushes her off, only to see her grinning like the cat who got the cream. 

Five says, “It’s a good thing I’m here. I can’t imagine what would have become of your bed frame if I hadn’t arrived in your time of need.” There is a pause, weighty with Five’s attention, and then she whispers, conspiratorially, “I bet that barely took the edge off.”

Literally. “So do better, bitch.”

Something flashes in that amber gaze. “Now _surely_ you aren’t insulting my skills after it took all of sixty seconds to get you there.”

Definitely longer than that. “Even a blind squirrel gets a nut sometimes.”

“Nut?” The corners of her mouth curl up. “Is it just me, or are you the tiniest bit more clever after you’ve come, Zero?”

Because this is threatening to turn into a whole conversation—seriously, the bitch just loves to hear herself talk—Zero pushes, and Five falls back onto the mattress.

“Oh?” is all she says, as Zero moves up her body. 

“Eat me out,” Zero commands as Five happily turns to lay kisses along her inner thigh. That little nurse hat tips off her head. “I seriously can’t stand you talking when you’re knuckle-deep in me.”

*

They take breaks—sort of. 

Mikhail gets hungry again an hour before sundown, and Zero has to fight her way out of the bed. She loses the first round, on account of accidentally falling strap-deep into Five and fucking her down into the mattress before she can kick the sheets off. She loses the second round too, on account of Five lavishing kisses along her hips while she dresses bedside and then somehow veering vag-ward. She _does_ win the third round, if only because by that time she's figured out that Five's monstrosity has very little to do with the Flower and way more to do with her being some sort of hellbent, clit-sucking vampire. Probably. 

(Mikhail does not stop commenting on her unusual smell when they go find him dinner. She tells him to kindly fuck off, thanks, he's one to talk.)

Otherwise, there are very few pauses: those for breathers, for bathroom, and for bitching. The last and the first usually go hand in hand. Zero discovers, not without some dismay, that no matter how much shit she talks, Five is always prepared to talk it right back. 

It’s absolute torture because she’s sort of good at it. Not that Zero thinks that or would ever say that to her, ever. 

They pass the day and a great deal of the evening like that, but in the end, Five wins out in terms of pure stamina

Even after Zero is spent—well and truly spent, she hasn't felt this pleasantly boneless in ages—Five fucks herself against Zero's thigh for one last hurrah. Which is, sure, fine, whatever, Zero doesn't care much either way, on her back watching Five roll her hips unabashedly. Zero doesn't care much, but—

Even Five has her limits, and this one isn't as easy as the ones before. Zero sees it in the concentration knotting up her brow; the taut, strained moans; the way she has been at it like this for some time and still hasn't gotten off. Lucklessly, Five rubs herself against Zero's thigh again, and Zero, before she can think better of it, drags her down by the back of the skull. 

Zero kisses her and keeps kissing her through her surprise, and Five shudders, wholesale. She rucks down against Zero's thigh once more, twice more, and then comes with a sound that Zero swallows. 

They keep kissing, after, slow enough to turn Zero’s stomach.

When Five finally rolls off her, she doesn’t lift herself from Zero's thigh but rather collapses on the bed next to her with it still trapped between her own. They are limp and panting. They are a tangle of limbs and jizz. 

"I thought you'd never fucking finish," Zero huffs, though it doesn’t sound nearly as vindictive as she’d intended. "Tell me you're done."

"Give me a minute," Five murmurs, breathless.

"Bullshit,” she spits. “You barely got that last one.”

“Maybe if you’d been a bit more helpful…”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Bitch.” Huddling close to Zero’s side, Five traces her ribs and asks, "What about you? Finally satisfied?"

Zero says, "My clit feels like it's going to fall off."

"You're welcome."

Beside her, Five nestles close to Zero’s shoulder, tucked against the bump of her clavicle above the scars from Gabriel’s fire. Her lashes are long, her pupils blown-out and unfocused. Her smile though... Zero punches her in the tit, just for smiling like she’s _so_ satisfied with herself, and Five merely laughs under her breath.

It gets quiet after that.

Time stagnates. Gravity congeals softly, even with the weight on the mattress next to her. The little circles being drawn over Zero's stomach flatline. Somewhere, distantly, Five's breathing goes deep and even. 

Zero closes her eyes without meaning to and—oh god, oh fuck, this can’t be happening—

She falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> A BIG THANKS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO PUT UP WITH MY ENDLESS NEED FOR VALIDATION WITH THIS FIC, AND ALSO, WITHOUT WHOM A GOOD NUMBER OF THESE JOKES WOULD NOT EXIST. yall some bitches, and i dont know WHAT i'd do without you
> 
> one final joke for the road--
> 
> [zero abt one](https://youtu.be/_x6rGNDM0W0?t=235)


End file.
